Channeling my inner-thirteen-year-old girl self

Pretend this is a tree or outer space. It's less gross that way.

I’ve been channeling my inner-thirteen-year-old girl and obsessing over how I’ll look to a group of dear friends I see very infrequently. Our gathering has been planned for months, and I’ve spent the last many weeks gong from 168 to 145. I’m really rather proud of my aging self. I don’t have six-pack abs, but I don’t look bad for an old guy.

Then I got mugged. When I was knocked from my bike I knew I’d cut up my leg and broken some ribs. But I just realized I was also badly bruised on my left side around the waistline. I’m very swollen there. So swollen that it looks like I have a big ol’ pile of ugly blue muffin top fat exactly where I just lost it. Sure, it’s asymmetrical. I’m fine on the right side. But it’s still enough to disrupt the delicate draping of my tee shirts and creates a less than ideal impression.

I want a custom shirt with an arrow pointing that to my waist that says "NOT FAT" or to have Tricia quietly explain to my friends that it’s bruising. She’s offered to say “Curtis wants me to say…” which isn’t exactly the effect I was looking for.

This being a thirteen year old girl is sure mentally exhausting.